( Editor’s Note: All individuals in this article are figments of the imagination of the author. Any resemblance between these fictional characters and real people is purely coincidental. )
Pricella Goodbody was an attractive woman by almost all standards of beauty. It was rumored that Pricella was terminated from her previous position in city government because she had sexual encounters with members of the city Council. However, the citizens of the city of Altona were more open minded and Pricella was hired as Executive Coordinator of the city of Altona. Her yearly salary was $ 85,000.00 plus benefits amounting to $ 7,325.00.
Sleazy Scumbo was the Director of Articulation at the City of Altona and quickly became a close friend of Pricella Goodbody after Pricella was hired. It was extremely well known throughout the City of Altona that Sleazy Scumbo was not ” the sharpest knife in the drawer. ” Indeed many people thought that Sleazy was challenged both intellectually and in her physical appearance. Since even Sleazy knew that she was intellectually challenged, she became paranoid about losing her job. Like Pricella, Sleazy had also been terminated from city employment in another region. In order to alleviate her fears about losing her job, Sleazy developed relationships with three different reporters at three different newspapers in the region. Over the years at Altona, Sleazy continuously leaked private information about the city of Altona to her newspaper friends in hopes of creating job security. Sleazy earned a salary of $ 72,360.00/year plus benefits of $ 5,785.00/year. Since Sleazy’s only job was to occasionally type something and to turn on the microphones before each Council meeting, many residents thought that she was vastly overpaid.
When Harold Pigeon was hired as the new city manager of Altona, he told his staff that he expected eight hours of work for eight hours of pay every day. Harold Pigeon was a man of integrity who expected his staff to work for the best interests of the citizens and would not tolerate laziness.
Both Pricella and Sleazy were accustomed to doing very little work. Pricella even attended college classes on city time because she was uneducated and decided to take a college degree in Woman’s Studies. Pricella soon learned in her college classes that ” men by nature exploit women. ”
Both Pricella and Sleazy knew that they were essentially parasites and were only hired so the City of Altona could comply with Federal Guidelines relating to ” gender equity.” When Sleazy asked Pricella what gender equity implied, Pricella told her that it stated that a woman could not be fired. Still Sleazy and Pricella were worried about their employment and they formed a secret pact to accuse any man of gender bias if either got into trouble.
So Sleazy and Pricella continued to receive salaries even though each did very little work. Harmony ruled in Altona because gender equity guidelines were in place.
However, Pricella found a new boyfriend and lost her focus on what little work was assigned to her. Pricella began to send her boyfriend e-mails at lunchtime. Soon Pricella began to e-mail her boyfriend throughout the day. It soon came to pass that Pricella would lock her office door and send her boyfriend nude pictures. Pricella liked her boyfriend so much that she had a heart tattooed near her vagina. While her boyfriend was out of town, Pricella sent him a close up of her vagina with the new tattoo. Unfortunately, Pricella forgot that information sent over a city computer was immediately public record and created a legal public document.
Were it not for former city councilman Storman Erickman, Pricella’s e-mails may have gone undiscovered forever. Storman Erickman was only one of three individuals in the city of 20,000 who ever read and studied public records. While former Councilman Erickman was reading public records that he obtained through a public records request, he noticed a picture of a vagina with a tattoo of a heart next to it.
Soon former Councilman Erickman began to spend hours every day after work viewing city documents in his den with the door locked. Eventually his wife became suspicious and viewed Storman Erickman’s computer after he left for work. When she discovered the picture of Pricella’s vagina with the tattoo next to it, she sent the e-mail to the news media.
Soon the news media were questioning City Manager Pigeon. One media representative said to Mr. Pigeon: ” Can you prove to our readers that you have never seen this vagina before.”
To his credit, City Manager Pigeon attempted to keep the situation quiet. However, two Council Members came to Mr. Pigeon and clearly stated that they would lose the backing of the Christian Coalition in the next election if he did not act. Mr. Pigeon asked Pricella if she would resign and reminded her that he stood by her and helped her a few years ago when she was arrested for public drunkenness. Pricella claimed that she had a constitutional right to e-mail a picture of her vagina to anyone at any time.
Mr. Pigeon then terminated Pricella’s employment with the city of Altona. Then Sleazy and Pricella filed ” gender discrimination ” charges against Mr. Pigeon and the city of Altona. Later Mr. Pigeon terminated Sleazy after learning about her improper activities.
The good news is that the taxpayers of Altona will only have to pay about $ 300,000.00 in legal fees to settle this sordid mess.
R. Van Conoley