Good evening my fellow Americans. I am sad to announce that I come to you today with empty pockets. Yes, empty pockets ! My drug snorting son, Hunter Biden, embezzled the last billion dollars from my campaign treasury and absconded to Las Vegas with three nymphomanic chicks with huge knockers. He plans to celebrate my campaign victory this Tuesday.
Unfortunately, Hunter was never very bright and the election is not this Tuesday but next Tuesday. So I am asking you to help me raise another billion dollars because I need the money for last minute political bribes. Also, I have an army of the best campaign crooks who need a little extra cash to insure that the legions of homeless street people will vote for Biden at least five times each on election day to insure a victory for our cause !
The good news is that I have a super PAC that can accept unlimited donations since it is not legally connected to my campaign. So here is the deal of a lifetime. If you send a contribution to my super PAC for $ 500,000.00 or more, you can become a special friend of ” Quid Pro Quo Joe. ” Yes friends, when you become a special friend of Joe Biden, you can make millions of dollars in return after my election.
I will help each of my new special friends connect with a different corrupt political scam that will make you super rich. I used to tell my good friend Barack Obama, who by the way is a clean Negro, ” Trust me Barack, I know how to bring in the graff. ”
Also, in the past, I told my friend Cornpop: ” Give me a large campaign contribution under the table and you will not end up like your six brothers in jail. Just join Quid Pro Quo Joe and I can help you become rich. ” Unfortunately Cornpop did not listen to me and he is doing 10 to 15 years in prison.
So, do yourself a favor and get these contributions into my super PAC within 24 hours and you can become my new special friend and possibly manage a billion dollar hedge fund to some corrupt country somewhere in the world. Support Joe Biden and we can both become rich with taxpayer money.
( Editor’s Note: The associate editor of this website, Jonathan Swift, obtained an advanced copy of the above campaign commercial from Donna Brazile and CNN. CNN is laundering illegal contributions for Joe Biden through the Ukrainian National Bank. CNN has modeled their money laundering using the Clinton Foundation as their model. )